Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words make me slowly destroy my own liver.
41
“If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” - Nietzsche.
"Dude. Enough with the eye-fucking." - The Abyss.
(Jason Sweeney) from Dartmouth, Nova Scotia
41
New U2 album. Watchmen hoopla. Stock market crashing. I'm one awkward backseat encounter away from reliving all of 1987.
(Tim Siedell) from Nebraska, USA
41
I just found out how much I owe in taxes. I don't have to pay until Obama nominates me for something, right?
(Tim Siedell) from Nebraska, USA
40
Oh! So people that wear designer clothes are skinny because they can't afford food. Got it.
(bailey) from san francisco
32
In this town, you're only as good as the last mildly amusing thing you wrote down in the little box, which in my case is not very.
(Adam Lisagor) from Los Angeles, California
32
I guess part of getting older is wanting to have leather things.
I know what you're thinking and I want you to stop. Right now.
(Adam Lisagor) from Los Angeles, California
30
Before Twitter we wrote our posts on 3x3 Post-It notes and stuck them on windshields. To start a meme, you had to hang out at Office Depot.
(Arch Stanton) from Smack dab in the middle
28
As I shoveled the end of my driveway just now, my yoga pants fell down. And my creepy neighbor saw my Supergirl underwear. FANfuckingTASTIC.
(Jessica) from Portland, Maine
27
The boys want to open a lemonade stand in the bathroom but I can afford neither the marketing campaign nor adequate legal counsel.
(Geoff Barnes) from Pittsburgh, PA
26
Pinned down by cats. Envy me. Or avenge me. It all depends on the condition of my corpse. And if they have adowable widdle bellies.
(Jason Sweeney) from Dartmouth, Nova Scotia
25
Bad sign for first date. Him: "I was at the gym today. I did yoga, Spin & aerobics." Me: "Really? Yesterday I ate my weight in fried food."
(Some Crazy Chick) from the sunshine state
24
Wondering why I say "I feel like ass" to indicate sickness. I'm generally a fan of how ass feels.
(LaDawn Driscoll) from Tempe, AZ
23
What do you call a dimmer switch that doesn't work? AN IKEA LAMP!
Okay, that's not really so much a joke as it is bitterness.
(Annie) from Detroit
23
EVERYONE THINKS IT'S CUTE WHEN @ TYPES IN ALL CAPS BUT I DO IT JUST ONCE AND IT'S UNFOLLOW CITY, POPULATION: ME.
(Chris Riebschlager) from Kansas City, Missouri
22
It pisses me off that there are other Detweilers out there. I mean, besides my family. No, come to think of it, that pisses me off too.
(Detweiler, Brian) from Omaha, NE
20
I have a horrible poker tell. When I'm bluffing I have sex with your mom.
(J. Adam Moore) from San Francisco
19
Haircut Lady said I should get my eyebrows waxed. I asked if there was a "happy ending" involved. Thats the 5th restraining order this week.
(Ryan Drake) from Oklahoma City
17
Years as a pastry chef and I have finally created my pièce de résistance. Ice cream, ganache, xanax sprinkles. My feelings, let me eat them.
(LaDawn Driscoll) from Tempe, AZ
16
If the grocery store management thinks it's wrong to do a choreographed Nsync dance in aisle 6, then I'm going to tell them Bye Bye Bye.
(Stephen) from In Your Pants
16