My wife would probably appreciate the 4th of July a lot more if I didn't insist that she wear a Benjamin Franklin mask during sex.
Zaius13 (Dr. Zaius) from The Forbidden Zone
1 hour, 18 minutes agoView original
30
Trying to celebrate America but this stupid Navajo family won't give up their picnic table. That's it. Hold my flag, I'm going over there.
sloganeerist (JT Dobbs) from memphis, tn
1 hour, 31 minutes agoView original
29
There's nothing so heartwarming as your child's laughter.
Except for when they finally fall asleep because, seriously, enough already.
3hoss (Eric Hoss) from Parts Unknown, Michigan
1 hour, 35 minutes agoView original
26
Dear Jesus: thank you for our freedom and Doritos. Mostly Doritos. And our freedom to eat them.
tj (Ticklish Junk) from Earth That Was
1 hour, 35 minutes agoView original
26
It's like the Canadians don't even care that it's Independence Day.
essdogg (Essex Mortimer Dogg) from Charleston, SC
1 hour, 36 minutes agoView original
18
Red wine with beef.
White wine with chicken.
Orange soda with Doritos.
tj (Ticklish Junk) from Earth That Was
1 hour, 13 minutes agoView original
17
Playing horseshoes:
"What do you get if you hook it on the bush?"
"An STD."
abigvictory (MC Thumbtack) from east coast, bitches
1 hour, 29 minutes agoView original
16
I got kicked out of the neighbor's 4th of July party for dumping tea into the pool. Nobody laughed. What? THEY'RE BRITISH!
EightBitsShort (S Dub) from Dallas, Texas
1 hour, 39 minutes agoView original
15
I'm surrounded by a crowd of drunk kids who are too young to get my "Paging Mr. Herman" reference.
Bet they sit on uncovered sofas, too.
1 hour, 25 minutes agoView original
15
"I'm going bike riding."
"Gonna peddle yourself around town again?"
abigvictory (MC Thumbtack) from east coast, bitches
1 hour, 36 minutes agoView original
14
Somewhere, Blue Oyster Cult plays a small town 4th of July Fest. Drunks yell, "More cow bell!" Backstage, the Reaper sheds a single tear.
kellydeal from Chicagoish
13
I was turned off to sweets since learning the candy man can because he "mixes it with love" and "makes the world taste good".
No thank you.
kolchak (Ryan Anderson) from Milwaukee, WI
1 hour, 36 minutes agoView original
12
”Guys would do you, despite that strep throat. Preferably from behind, though; your face buried in the pillow.” His attempt at pep talk.
rejecter from Västerås, Sweden
1 hour, 20 minutes agoView original
12
Who's got one thumb and can't properly light fireworks?
I'm drunk.
thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) from Indianapolis, IN
12
Caribou Barbie is bailin'.
What is that woman inhalin'?
She's starting a blog,
To keep us agog,
Of everything else she is failin'.
Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) from Boston-ish, MA
1 hour, 17 minutes agoView original
11
My hands smell like a sulfur mine. I should probably stop cupping my farts into my wife's face and start letting off some fireworks.
InSoOutSo (JT) from OH
1 hour, 15 minutes agoView original
11
Guys, here's a fun optical illusion: Find skimpy trashy panties in laundry. Hot, right? Realize they're your daughter's. INSTANT revulsion.
wood (Wood) from Iran
11
I had a bad experience with Roman candles.
I will never be invited back to a celebrity vigil again.
Ja_La (Arm_and Ja_La) from C-attle, Washington
1 hour, 3 minutes agoView original
10
Long John Silvers ads during The Deadliest Catch remind me of that time I went to Belgium and bought a Hershey's bar.
giromide from Here
10
The good thing about being alone is the freedom The bad things are: multiple shots of Jack, followed by beers, and missing her hot cooze.
BakeMyFish (Here, Fishy, Fishy) from Bal'mer
1 hour, 41 minutes agoView original
9